Mental breakdown
Oil painting 2009

Recovery
Oil painting 2009

Mentally well
Oil painting 2009

© Nicola Oliver 2009

© Nicola Oliver 2009

© Nicola Oliver 2009

Email me about how you feel about:
"Mental Breakdown"

Email me how you feel about "Recovery"

Email me how you feel about
"Mentally well"

What a creature of strange moods [Winston Churchill] is - always at the top of the wheel of confidence or at the bottom of an intense depression. - LORD BEAVERBROOK (1879-1964)

You don't have to control your thoughts;
you just have to stop letting them control you.
- Dan Millman

Forget past mistakes. Forget failures. Forget about everything except what you're going to do now - and do it.
- William Durant

Breakdown. It may also be break-through. It is potential liberation and renewal as well as enslavement and existential death.
R. D. Laing

Would you tell me, please, which way I ought to go from here?
The Cat: That depends a good deal on where you want to get to
Alice: I don't much care where.
The Cat: Then it doesn't much matter which way you go.
- Alice in Wonderland

Dreams are renewable. No matter what our age or condition, there are still untapped possibilities within us and new beauty waiting to be born.
- Hellen Keller

We are all mad here - Alice in Wonderland

My story - Mental Breakdown, Bipolar Diagnosis, Dismissal, Disability Discrimination,
Mental Health Recovery and Employment Tribunal

Once upon a time, I was a hardworking, conscientious and enthusiastic employee. You know the type - One of the first in, one of the last home, working evenings and weekends, and always giving 110%. The difficulty for people like me is that the more we can do, the more people expect us to do and the more that people expected from me, the more I did. I was superwoman!

But my 110% couldn’t be maintained and after one particularly ‘manic’ period, I began to lose control. I stopped sleeping regularly and I rarely ate. I struggled to concentrate and had panic attacks. As my symptoms worsened,  my world became surreal; I detached from reality. I felt despair, anxiety and fear, not unlike  “The Scream, by Edvard Munch”.  I was terrified; I thought I was dying. 

I begged my company to reduce my workload; I needed to recuperate. They told me to “stop shirking my responsibilities”.  I sighed and soldiered on.  I strived to keep myself together, but eventually I broke down and so my journey began.  You could say I had burnt out, lost my marbles, had a crisis!

That night started innocently enough; I was at the theatre and began to laugh but couldn’t stop. My behaviour became bizarre; I started showing people my knickers (yes I was wearing them) and finally I ran away (because it was a funny thing to do). I felt fabulous, but my hysteria was followed by paralysing anxiety. I became tormented by worry after worry; bang, bang, bang, like hailstones on a conservatory roof.

Respite only came when I eventually collapsed, exhausted, into a deep, dark, depression. The psychiatrist prescribed Lithium. I became isolated from my husband and my children, unable to interact or care for myself. I prayed I would fall asleep and never wakeup.

Gradually, with help from my medical team and my family I began to recover.  I was vulnerable and my brain no longer functioned like it used to, but twelve weeks after my breakdown I was nearly ready to return to work.   I apologised to my company for the delay in my return to work but unfortunately I had been diagnosed as bipolar.  Two weeks later, they sacked me!

This painting is dedicated to them. They know who they are!

I cried and cried and I stopped sleeping.  I became paranoid; they are spying on me. I heard voices; God was talking to me. I was angry, aggressive and volatile. I couldn’t care for my children or bear to be with my husband.  My kids were scared of me and my husband endured me. “Why are you still with me I would scream at him?” “Because I know the real you is in there somewhere,” was his reply.  All the protective layers that I had developed as I had grown into an adult had been destroyed; I was a pathetic wounded animal.  I felt so alone.

I pulled myself together and put huge pressure on myself to get back to work. It was going to be my miracle cure. If I could just return to work I would be “fixed”. But although I applied for jobs I couldn’t face the interviews. I felt incompetent, incapable, useless, rubbish. I wanted to work above all but I couldn’t do it.  I tried voluntary work but had panic attacks. I decided to do a PhD but had panic attacks. My life was not worth living.  I pictured myself hanging by my neck from a tree. 

I asked for help and I was given an antidepressant, a psychologist and cognitive behavioural therapy.  Bit by bit we peeled away the layers of my personality and repaired my misconceptions of myself, which were delaying my recovery. I am not a failure or incompetent and I am valued for more reasons than how hard I work. Gradually the anxiety subsided and the aggressiveness dissipated.  

I took a different approach and focussed on rebuilding my self-esteem and my ability to interact with friends and family. I stopped job hunting; there was time for that later. My recovery accelerated. I started to rebuild my relationship with my husband and children. I joined self-help groups and MIND. I learned to paint.  My perspective on life changed. I started to come out of the darkness and see what a beautiful world I was living in.

This painting is dedicated to all those who reached out to me and helped me through my journey. My family, my special friends, my GP, my CPN, my psychiatrist, my psychologist,
EPP, MDF, Learn 2B, & Mind.

Now I am well.

What does this mean? It means being able to laugh because I find something funny; being able to make a decision; being able to spend time with my boys; being able to touch my husband; being able to make eye contact with other mums at school; being able to acknowledge that today was a sunny day; being able to get from dusk to dawn without panicking; being able to answer the phone, being able to open a letter; being able to concentrate, being able to control my anger; being able to show people that I like them; wanting to sing because it feels good!

 My priorities have changed.

My life is no longer about being a high flyer, striving and achieving objectives or wealth; I do not have to prove who I am. Life is about enjoying each day. Now the most important things in my life are myself, my husband and my sons.  I have learned to like the person that I am and I value myself.  The roles in our family have changed. My husband was my carer; I want to strengthen our relationship as partners. I have been a present absent parent to my children for 18 months; I want to learn to play with and enjoy my boys.  

 My future.

This year I am taking my ex-company to Industrual Tribunal. Irrespective of whether I win or lose I plan to put this episode of my life behind me.

I don’t cope with stress, noise and too many people very well anymore, but I know that each day I am getting better. Out of this awful experience has come something amazing; my life is better than before! I am no longer working 70+ hour weeks, 2 hours from home lining some “rat’s” pockets with gold. I am nurturing a new-found passion for painting. I am watching my children grow up.  I am striving to help others, who have suffered as I have, to realise that “there is light at the end of the tunnel”.

 

This painting is dedicated to my family, to you and to your family. I want you to know that no matter how bad it feels at the time, life can be better on the other side. You can make it.
I did!

What does each oil painting mean?

• Recovery was a dark and lonely journey. This is shown by the  railway track and dark narrow tunnel.

• The falling bricks and smoke show that I felt as though my world was falling apart.

• The rat's tail around my neck has two meanings. It shows how my dismissal by my company hindered me from progressing in my recovery. It also represents the constant thoughts of suicide that plagued me throughout my recovery.

• My nudity represents my vulnerability.

• The projection of my first painting on the wall represents my singular desire to return back to my old life (before I got ill) I felt that recovery was just about being able to go back to my old career and being able to work again.

• The egg timer represents time running out. I felt a huge sense of urgency to get well (and back to work) as quickly as possible. However sometimes the things I did (like apply for jobs, a PhD and voluntary work) set me back as I was pushing myself to do things before I was ready.

• The darkness of the tunnel depicts the loneliness I felt during my illness/recovery. I couldn't relate to others and couldn't bear to be with people -especially my family.

• The pills (falling and on the floor) are the different types of medication I tried in my quest to get well.

• The hands at the end of the tunnel belong to all the people who had faith in me and encouraged me to get well. The psychologist, psychiatrist, mental health nurse, MIND, Learn 2 B, EPP, MDF, Neil (my husband), Dad, Mum etc. If I could just reach the end of the tunnel I could become well.

• The ghostly  painter represents how important art and spirituality has become to me.

• The discarded mask shows how I had to peal back and understand the layers of my personality in order to recover.

• I have escaped the dark cave and left my ill ness behind

• I have left the rat (my ex company) behind me (irrespective of whether I win or lose the tribunal)

• I am able to be with my family once again. I try to play with the boys and have close contact with my husband. He has waited for me through the 18 months of illness and recovery. The person I once was, is nearly back.

• I can see the beauty in the world again. I feel happiness, I can laugh and do not feel the overwhelming sadness I felt during recovery. The aggression, anger and despair have disappeared (except when I have PMT!!!!!!)

• I am no longer on a fixed path, I am on an open beach. I can choose the direction of my future. My world has become a simpler place. It is not about striving and achieving objectives, skyscrapers and wealth. It is about being happy each day. I do not have to prove who I am.

• My nudity shows that I am still vulnerable though

• The unlocked padlock shows that I am aware that one day I may have to retreat back to my cave.  No matter though, because I know that I can recover.